


Understanding The Impossible

by MayorOfCanTown



Category: Homestuck
Genre: (no self hurting or suicide it's all just what can be done with a sharpie), Fluff, GAYYYYYYYY, Gay, M/M, Self Loathing, a little ooc? Especially Dave near da end, can I write anything bar johndave I think not, caring!dave, fluffy stuff, i can't tag for my life, self hate, self hating!john, skin writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-05
Updated: 2016-09-05
Packaged: 2018-08-13 05:06:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7963573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MayorOfCanTown/pseuds/MayorOfCanTown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John hates himself.</p><p>Dave can't understand why. </p><p>Fluff alert and possible triggers</p>
            </blockquote>





	Understanding The Impossible

John: freak the fuck out!

You are not going to freak the fuck out. You aren't freaking out. You aren't sure exactly where you got that idea but you aren't freaking out. This is just a thing you do, you say to yourself, grabbing a pen from the table and locking yourself in the bathroom.

"Again, Egderp? What if I need it?"  
Look at yourself. He wants to pee and you're using the bathroom for *this*. "I'll be out in a bit, Dave," you call through to your roommate. "Or just go next door or something."

Wearing nothing but a pair of boxers, you have covered your body - that you can reach, naturally - in words. Not just any words, but the truth. You decided that you would use your skin to express how ugly you are, how much of a bad person, how cruel, how thoughtless, how selfish, and how you are hated. You write about how your "friends" are just around because they pity you, how much they would be disgusted if they say you like this. They would probably just turn around and run and move to Antarctica just to get away from you. No one could possibly stand you like this, let alone love you. You're disgusting. You're pathetic. You're weak. So over and over again you mark your skin with the truth that no one seems to tell you anymore, so that you remember. This time, however, you wrote too low. Too far down. Beyond your elbow. Too high, on your neck and your face. You scold yourself the only way you know, by finding gaps and writing just how you feel about yourself. After doing this time and time again you should know where to stop and when to stop.

 

"Really need to piss, Egbert. Going next door."  
You hear Dave slam the door behind you. Good. Now he won't see you like this. 

You turn away from the mirror and instead look down at yourself. It's easier to read this way; naturally all the writing faces you. Nobody else need reminding of what a failure you are. And nobody needs to know how weak and pathetic you are. Instead, you look back in the mirror and practise a big smile. No one can tell the difference, of course, and you'd have it no other way. They don't need to worry about you. 

You're just thankful it's winter. Excuse to wear a scarf and gloves.

***

Dave: be the concerned friend?

You don't need to be told that. But why friend with a question mark? I mean, come on, it's John, your roommate. You don't need to be attracted to him to know he's incredible. This dude is your favourite bro and you just wish he'd be a bit more open.

As much as you know his interests and what he likes to do and talk about, you feel like you don't know anything about this beautiful creature.

Beautiful? You meant to say bro. Yes. He is your best bro. He is your best bro who happens to be your hot roommate... Hot? No. Cool. That doesn't make...  
Fuck it.  
You love him.

But you don't really know much about him is the point. He never talks about anything that happened before he met the three of you (not even a hilarious baby story) and to add to it, today, you, Rose, and Jade are sat in the cafe drinking your chosen drinks, while John barely touches his. He is still wearing his gloves. And a scarf. It is cold, yes, but you're from Texas and even you've taken your coat off in here. It's gotten beyond the point of being sick. Something is up. 

He also just weirds out on you guys every now and then. He takes an hour just locking himself in his room, or more commonly, the bathroom, and refuses to talk to anyone. Sometimes it's longer. Sometimes he stays for a day. But whenever he comes out he seems...  
Sad. But relieved, somehow.  
You've asked him about it but he shrugs it off and gives you a big smile. Unlike anyone else, however, you can tell the difference between a real smile and a fake one. 

You think he thinks he's protecting you. You don't really know, just get that sort of vibe. But everything is all adding up and it seems there is just way too much stuff going on and everything is a bad sign.  
You're rambling to yourself again.

Suddenly, you notice something. As John shifts his weight, his scarf moves a little. Just for a moment, you see a black curve on his neck, before he adjusts and hides it. 

With Jade and Rose deep in conversation, you poke John to get his attention. Once he looks at you you point to your neck; he shrugs and it's another fake smile, before once again staring just off slightly to the side, at absolutely nothing in particular. You decide that bringing it up more right now is not a good idea, and promise yourself that you will ask about it later.

John has always been a little weird about stuff every now and then but it seems to be getting more often and worse, particularly today. And with whatever marks on his neck - is that why he's wearing a scarf?

You shrug it off. He's probably got nothing to hide and is just cold in here.

Right. The cafe at about 100 degrees.

You've gotten bored of being the concerned friend.

Dave: be the concerned friend who is going to do something about it!

Hell.  
Fucking.  
Yes. 

***

John: fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

That's not even a - never mind because fuck things are going from bad to worse.

Dave saw something. You aren't sure how much he saw but he saw something and he is now concerned. You know his concerned face and all of its very distinctive features, like the way his forehead scrunches and his eyes narrow, trying to work out what is going on with Egbert today.

Oh, you can tell him. You're just being 300 times more of a shit than usual. No biggie. 

But in all seriousness, you can't tell him. You sneak a peek under your scarf to remind yourself why:

**ANYONE WOULD RUN IF THEY SAW YOU LIKE THIS**

The dark, shaky letters motivate your silence and encourage you to shut anyone out - after all, if you're going to drown, then you might as well stay in the corner where no one can be bothered by your noise. Nobody needs to know if they aren't going to care. Best just to ensure they live life fuller by not impeding their existence with your stupid problems and pathetic life.

There, that must be today's word of the day. It tends to cycle between a few: stupid, worthless, idiot, etc. But this one is new: pathetic. And to be honest you aren't sure why you haven't thought of it sooner, considering it describes you perfectly.

John: stop with your ridiculous nonsense and listen to the conversation!

You try! You really do. But you get distracted.

Jade, your cousin, the one who stuck with you the longest, the one who hugged you whenever you got upset and supported you through childhood. The one who you forced to grow up too fast, the one you let have a life again by saying your problems had gone.

Rose, your friend, the one whom you asked about your position - as a third party, of course - and the one who spouted nonsense about actual worth and illusions. The one who thought she could trust you. The one who will never need to make that choice again.

Dave.  
He's the one who never asks questions. You asked him not to ask, so he didn't. He never asks about bathroom time, or your regular freak out moments, or anything, really. If you've asked him not to, he doesn't.  
Dave never seemed to learn to not ask questions he wasn't prepared to hear the answer to, so you don't let him in. 

Jade is your cousin.  
Rose is your friend.  
Who is Dave?

He's your roommate, but so much more than that. He's your friend, but that doesn't seem to be enough. He's your best friend, but again, not enough. There's just something more about him that goes above and beyond best friend and you are happy for it, if not a little worried that you will eventually get what you want, what he thinks he wants, and discover he didn't really wanted it in the first place.

"Earth to Egbert! You in there?"  
You look up and Dave is trying to catch your attention, Jade and Rose also looking at you quizzically. "Dude. You okay?"  
"Yeah, I'm fine."  
He sighs. "Yeah, sure. So why you been staring at me? For like, 5 minutes?"

Fuck.

You're breathing hard and fast. If you were staring at him that means you aren't behaving normally which means people are going to ask questions and you can't deal with that now and you're sorry but it's just easy to lose yourself in his face and now everyone is concerned and no one is speaking and it's all so much and it's crushing you and you need to...

John: abscond!

***

Dave: scare the lovable dork away!

You already did that.

He just got up.  
And left.  
Right out of the door.

The three of you stop and just sit in stunned silence for a few seconds that feel like an eternity, before you break out of your stupor and chase after him. Running is a no - don't want to scare him again if it was something you said - but nonetheless you take to a speed walk/jog to try to catch up to him. Who cares about looking cool anymore; John needs you, even if he doesn't think so.

"John! Where the fuck are you going?" He ignores you and starts running. Of course. You're pretty sure he heard you but he's running home and you know you wouldn't catch him.

You keep up your brisk walk and make your way home, unlocking the apartment door and walking in. Sobbing echoes softly through the apartment.  
"Egbert?"  
"Go away!" he calls from his bedroom.  
"... John? What's wrong?"  
"Nothing! Everything is *fucking* perfect! Leave me alone!"  
"I'm coming in and you can't stop me."  
No response.

When you walk in you see him curled up on his bed, scarf and gloves off, eyes red and still crying.  
You walk over to him, kneel down, and awkwardly hug him. "Shhh..." He keeps apologising over and over again. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry-"  
"What for?"

***

John: commit social suicide!

You sit up. Well, you've gone this far. It's not okay to lie to him anymore. "This is what for." You slowly pull your top over your head and refuse to meet his gaze, waiting for him to shout, to leave, anything at all. Closing your eyes you keep on waiting, until you feel soft hands tracing the words, and suddenly are pulled into a hug again, much closer and more comfortable than before.

"What are you doing?" Your voice is a hushed whisper, confused.  
"I'm hugging you. What does it feel like?" Encouraging, yet strewn with sadness.  
"You don't... You don't hate me?"  
He pulls away and holds you by the shoulders. "John, look at me. Please." You reluctantly open your eyes and look into his red ones, full of pity and care. "I don't hate you. I could never hate you."  
You grimace and turn away. "Hey! Still talking!" He smiles and looks only at your face.

"I don't know why you think those things about yourself but you shouldn't. You are kind, you are beautiful, you are the most selfless person I know, and you are loved. Jade and Rose both love you as closest friends. And..." He hesitates and clears his throat. "I love you. Not as a friend."  
"But-"  
"Still talking. You are incredible and no one is allowed to say otherwise, not even you. Okay?"  
You're crying again, and you think it's from happiness. "Okay. I love you too."  
If possible, he grins even wider. "You do?"  
"I do." You had planned exactly how you were going to act when he decided to hate you and leave; this eventuality was not planned for.  
He stands up and pulls you off the bed. "Come on. Let's get that shit off you. Shower time."

There's still the voice that tells you he's lying. No one could possibly love you. But maybe, if only for a little while, you can let yourself believe it. 

John: feel something new!

You think you'll call it... Loved.

**Author's Note:**

> Yet another thing I threw together as an apology for RFYAW. I think I prefer this to Walking Through Thoughts and thinking about expanding one of them into a multichap? Let me know which you would prefer to see!
> 
> (I have free periods now so I can write :B
> 
>  
> 
> Also also also
> 
> Please comment! I really want to know how you guys feel so whether you loved it or hated it - I'm serious - please leave a comment! Thanks!!!! Love ya ^-^


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